Jan. 13, 2023

Gary Had A Pizza, Now Has Nothing [RPG Horror Story]

[#92] This week, Josey brings us a terrifying tale of a player who snapped for getting exactly what he deserved. CW: Brief, veiled description of in-game sexual assault.

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[#92] This week, Josey brings us a terrifying tale of a player who snapped for getting exactly what he deserved. CW: Brief, veiled description of in-game sexual assault.
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Hosted by Jason Portizo, Josey Diaz, and Jim Crocker

Produced and Edited by Jason Portizo

Curmudgeons and Dragons is a JTP Audio production

Josie: Sometimes everything goes according to plan. Sometimes they go horribly. Join us while we tell Tales of Games gone wrong. This is Curmudgeons and Dragons, R P G Horror Stories.

Jason: Hello, adventurers and hello Josie and Jim. Thank you. Hello. Is that better? Hello. That better? Feel? Feel welcome now.

Josie: You love warm tingly .

Jason: This is Co Much Dragons. Uh, we are doing RPG horror stories today. Um, I'm here with Josie Diaz. Hello. And Jim Crocker. Hey

Jim: there. Justin Port. No. People who aren't watching can't see that.

Josie was like, said hello in the middle of a yawn. It was actually pretty swabbed. She managed to kind of get it out while she, yes. Yeah.

Jason: I'm talent. We're all proud of her. Yeah. For being able to yawn and say,

Josie: At the same time, I'm sorry, you tried talking in the middle of a yawn. I don't want to, yeah. Then shut your trap.


Jason: I'm Jason Porto. Thanks for listening. Um,

listens. You got a story for us? I do. , you just sent me this. I haven't, uh, I haven't had a chance to read this one yet, so I am, uh, I'm looking forward to it.

Josie: Okay. This one starts. It's called, uh, player Attacks DM by the user, the true Maxwell Lord. Attack Attackee. Attack Kisses. Yes. Sorry. Player Attackee

Jason: DM at at addicts.

I think that's addicts.

Josie: No attic only has a, has a different spelling

Jason: attic.

Josie: That's okay. Take your time. Don't hurt yourself, but take your time.

Jason: Listen, I'm, I'm a, I'm not one who made up a.

Josie: Okay. All words are made up. Jason .

Jim: So the,

Jason: I hope we of this men, I hope we released this video, so hope people know what the fuck we're talking about.

uh, the LinkedIn story's gonna be in the show notes so you can see, uh, why that was funny to us and has not been funny to you, the listener for the past three and a half minutes. Josie, please

Josie: continue. So the events of this happened four days ago from posting this. I'm going to post the events that led up to a player who I will call Gary, who ended up attacking me, the DM over nothing more than dice rolls and Yfu.


Jason: fucking Gary.

Josie: So a bit of background on how I dm. I prefer a more grounded historical game. I let the players know this during Session zero and help them create their characters who I will detail below. The names have been changed. Mark plays a seven, plays a French seven foot tall giant who seeks to find his lost daughters.

He also owns a boat, which is important for later. Terry plays an English monk with a map leading to an angel. His church members are hunting him to get the. Oh my God. A religious mom thought a mom's gonna be religious classes. . I'm gonna, I'm gonna throw my fucking hands in the air. . All right. Blake plays a French black Smith's daughter who ran away to become a bounty hunter.

She wield a musket and explosives. Gary plays a Japanese Noble who wields Aana, made of adamantine a really rare metal, uh, material in the world. She has an army of 2000 men under her. So the party is set. I had no issue with the characters involved. This was my first time meeting the players, and one was aggressively disgusting.

The one being Gary. He was a short, overweight guy with thick glasses and a thick mustache. don't really see why you need to be hating on his appearance, but whatever. Yep. Uh, meeting the others for the first time was fine.

Jim: Pretty bad. Totally irrelevant. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty bad. Foreign,


Jason: Maxwell Lord. Yeah.

Yeah. I want be on your side, but let's see.

Josie: Feels kinda shitty. Meeting the others for the first time was fine, but Gary wiped himself down on my couch using the pillows I had there, and he ate a whole Costco pizza by himself. Luckily, I bought. He's just, he's just a gross dude that has no respect for other people's things.

Jim: That said, Costco pizza is way better than it has any right to be. Absolutely. Oh

Josie: my God, so many things about Costco are like that. I love it. I miss Costco.

Jim: Like literally two days ago, I like planned my trip to Costco for midday so that I could get two slices of, uh, dollar 99 Costco cheese pizza. So you just

Jason: eat an entire one on someone else's couch.

Josie: My um, My grandparents, I don't know if they still do this, but they used to go on their dates would be, they would go to Costco and they would each get a soda and split one of the hot dogs.

Jim: Sure. That's adorable. Yeah, that's a, that's a very, that's a very grandparent thing to do. Very. I'd like if I,

Jason: so, so far, Gary,

Josie: No, see, no.

Gary. Gary wiped himself down on my couch using the pillows I had there and ate a whole pizza by himself. That was presumably meant what does self down mean? I guess he was like, like wiping off. Maybe he got sweaty on the walk in. I don't know. but just started wiping his body upon

Jim: all, and maybe he was like using one of the throw pillows as a napkin kind of thing, had a maybe like he had like the pizza on his lap and he was just like wiping it on the throw pillow or something like that.

My brother and Christ Napkin, I, all I know is that if I ate an entire Costco pizza, It would be because I was depressed. That's the only reason I could think of eating an entire one like

Josie: that. So personally, I certainly wouldn't do it in a room full of other people. .

Jason: Well, I, I was, I was about to interject and mention times that I've had like seven 11 pizzas, which are also better than they have any business being.

Yeah. And they're like, $6 and I can get you at three o'clock in the morning. I'm like, I've had entire, uh, 7-Eleven pizzas and I. I was horribly depressed. Yeah, no, you're, you're onto something here, Jim.

Jim: Mm. I think, I think we might, I think we're gonna learn more about Gary if we allowed Josie to continue.

That's my hunch, boo. Let's see. Alright,

Josie: fine. I'm gonna skip to session four where everything really started to take a turn. During this campaign, the party found clues leading to pirates who frequently enslaved those who they attacked, which is actually fun fact, the opposite of what Pirates used to do.

Mm-hmm. Pirates used to raid slave ships, um, free the people who were chained up and said, if you want, you can join our crew, or you guys can just take the boat. But I digress. Yes, .

Jason: We're on, we're on team Pirates

Josie: right now. We're I'm always on Team Pirates Fair. Uh, mark believed they may have had his kids, so they set sail to hunt the slaves on the high sea.

Gary during this time kept bragging about his character, claiming she will dole the captain and take his place. Mark looked kind of worried and said, are you gonna free the slaves? To which Gary said, no, they will join my army and if they refuse, I'll make them eat their own hands. I jumped in here and said, Gary, I'm fairly certain Mark will attack you should this happen as everyone in the party is somewhat of a good person hearing this, Gary Snickered and said, I'll make my decision when the time comes.

Jason: Okay, so he's halfway with the free slave. Yeah. Half. Half right. Half the other half is super fucking wrong,

Josie: but he's, and a little weird, but he's half right. We moved on an encounter with an angry sperm well that Blake killed by shooting a harpoon in its eye. Eventually they saw the large ship known as the Hanged Man.

When we ended the session with the party invading the enemy ship in between sessions. Blake gave Gary some gunpowder, which is weird to to do the role play out of the session, but that's fine I guess to each their own. And Gary got Terry to bless his sword during the next session. Terry was captured by the captain and soon to be killed until Mark threw a hand act at a rope dropping a sandbag on the captain's head when the captain was on the floor with Mark over him.

Gary Lit Hisana on fire with the gunpowder and backstabbed mark, blah. Why are you PV ping when you're about to kill the captain? You're about to get what you want. Gary, also not how gunpowder works. No, not at all. . Um, this dealt over 40 damage with lucky rolls, nearly killing Mark. The party was pissed, but luckily Terry got him stable.

Gary then gathered the slaves and I kid you not. Trigger warning here, sexually assaulted one to assert his dominance. And that's where I had a pirate shoot him. Yeah, that's

Jim: what he and all of a sudden took Gary outta the game. Yeah.

Josie: Gary, Gary's needs to, Gary needs more than getting kicked outta the game.

Gary might need some fucking therapy. Mm-hmm. , which is not a negative thing, by the way. I think everyone should get therapy. It's really good for you. But anyway, Opie had a pirate shoot him and rolled a 20, killing his character. I watched his all the smug energy drained from his PA face replaced with anger.

He started screaming about how I was using weighted dye and targeting him . I told him that the pirates watched you take their merchandise and attempted to get it back. Hearing this, he punched my dining room table and slapped a water glass into the wall mark and I tried to calm him down when he kicked me in the balls and screamed.

You are just a fucking no fun virgin. Before Mark and I threw him outside and called the cops. When they arrived, he was long gone, but apparently threw a stone at my car, breaking the windshield. He cost me $400 in damages and I haven't seen him since. No happy ending. Here. I'll send an update if anything major happens.

Jason: Gary, Gary, I listen to me. Leaning close. Gary, come here. Come here. . You had everything you could have ever wanted. You had a pizza. And now that pizza's gone and so is my entire uh, possible support for you, uh, stop being weird. Go get another pizza.

Josie: No, don't go get another pizza. That other pizza is for the rest of the party that didn't try.


Jason: go get another pizza. That one's already got . Go up, go obtain a new pizza and go back to a better time.

Jim: Can help. That's what Gary needs. Yeah, Gary needs.

Jason: We are one of the very few podcasts in existence that is not sponsored by Better help.com . But from what I hear, the love of God get on there from what I hear every time I listen to podcasts, anytime.

Um, it's a, it's a good service.

Jim: Oof. Yep. I mean, I. I that I would say that escalated quickly, but I, my hunch, but it didn't. This was the fourth

Josie: session. Yeah. I dunno what happened in one through three. .

Jim: Me too. I can't help but think that the signs were probably there, that it was eventually gonna end up in this place.

Josie: I think the signs were there from the very beginning. Yeah. Probably when he walked into somebody's house, started wiping his greasy hands on all of the pillows. Eat and didn't share his pizza. Pizza,

Jim: yeah. Yeah. Don't you know

Jason: pizza tastes better when you share it

Josie: unless you are really stoned. But then at the end of that, when you have no more pizza, all you have is regret.

Jason: Um, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I, I think all, all the issues with this are super obvious. There's nothing really to, to add to this. Um,

Josie: I can't believe that op didn't charge him for the $400 in damages, but I guess h him disappearing makes that a little bit more difficult.

Jason: I mean, it only costs $400 to not have to see him.

Since I've spent, I've spent more on this,

Josie: it should be free to not have to see somebody. Destroys your property in your house when they don't get their way in a role playing game.

Jim: Yeah. Sometimes someone behaves like that and the best possible outcome, even if they've, uh, damaged something, is for you to never see them or interact with them or, you know, be in the same room with them ever again.

Yeah. And some, sometimes that's that. That's worth paying, worth paying that. Uh,

Jason: yep. Keep your tantrums in game fellas. Or just

Josie: don't have a tantrum like that at all. That feels very, you're just a fucking no fun Virgin says the guy that just tried to sexually assault a fake person. .

Jim: Yeah. And boy, and that's your, you know, um, uh, every, every horror story we, we do says, uh, session zero.

Talk about what your lines and veils are. You know, right at the beginning of the game, say, yeah, there's not gonna be sexual assault in this game. That's just not a thing that's gonna happen. So we're just gonna take that off the table. Uh, and boy, if something does pop up in the middle where you're. You know, don't like, like if you don't want sexual assault in your game, if somebody lays that out out there, just say, oh, yeah, okay.

We didn't talk about that, but we're not doing that. No. Do something else. Yeah. Um, yeah, you don't have to, you know, then, then you don't

Josie: have to role play it. Exactly. You can just tell them, no, actually. Mm-hmm. . Like granted a pirate shooting him and killing him is a pretty effective way to say no. But then you have to deal with, this is where like, I don't know what red flags happened between the first session and now, but the fact that he punched the table and slapped a glass into a wall are major red flags and not just for like d and D stuff.

That is somebody that. Is trying to, again, assert their dominance through displays of violence. It's, oh,

Jim: I think it's a

Josie: very good thing you don't see him again. So

Jim: we're talking about the car and we're talking about the glass and we're He kicked him, like if this is to be policed Yes. He literally physically assaulted him.

Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah.

Josie: In my own house. In my own house, you kicked down the

Jim: balls. That's, that's a crazy person. If that person leaves and never comes back, rather than like goes out to the car and comes back with a baseball bat, or if you're in fucking America a gun, then like, good riddens. Goodbye. Never wanna see you again.


Jason: Yikes. Yep. No longer

Josie: team Gary. I'm so glad that you're no longer team. Gary, I'm If you were still team Gary, Jason, I would very politely leave the podcast I was

Jason: going with. The inform I had away and the entirety of the information I had was that he was a guy who liked pizza maybe too much. That's not a crime.

I mean, assault is a crime. So no, he did all that later, a crime that he did all that later after I had formed the pizza. Opinion on him. ,

Josie: to be fair, uh, pizza's a good gauge of how the rest of it's gonna go.

Jim: Yeah. If there, if there are, there are two pizzas and there are five of you and you e a pizza.

Josie: It sounded a pizza he bought Garrett.

That's a buy that red flag.

Jim: Yeah. Oh yeah.

Josie: That's a red flag. Yeah. Stealing from the mouths of babes. Mm-hmm. . Unbelievable.

Jim: Um, if after everyone has taken a slice or two and everybody's like, it's. And there's whatever three left and you end up having two more slices than everybody else. Cuz that's how it rattled out.

Like that's okay, but you gotta pace yourself, Gary. I mean that's the, you can't sit down with that one pizza on your lap. That's no good. Classic

Jason: Gary , fucking Gary guys. I'm gonna Costco to get several pizzas. Uh, the link to the stories and the show notes. Mm. Um, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna get three pizzas. You can, you can each have an entire pizza,

Josie: but you're so kind and thoughtful, rightful.

Thank you.

Jason: Um, but we do live far apart, so you gotta sit on your own couches.

Jim: Don't be Gary, everybody.

Josie: Please for the love of God. Don't be

Jason: Gary. Gonna give the show a follow, subscribe to us. We'll, uh, our stories, uh, hopefully not just like this, but we'll have, uh, , we'll have some, we'll have more, maybe more fun stories soon, I hope.

Um, we'll see you next time. Thanks for listening, byebye. Bye-bye.

Josie: Thank you for listening to Curmudgeons and Dragons. Please share this with your favorite adventurers and leave a review. If you have a tale we should tell, please send it to us@curmudgeonsanddragons.com slash contact for consideration. You are now out of initiative.